Touch Podium’s Rumour Construction Set Mk. I

by Eric March on May 1, 2008 at 7:20 pm

You can set your watch to it. The closer we get to some sort of big release, the more the rumours start to fly, until we’re about a week away, at which point it all becomes a swirling vortex of speculation and complete BS. And you know what? I’m not even going to bother reporting about the latest rumour that the iPhone may be smaller and lighter than the previous model, especially when we already know that it will remain the same size and be slightly thicker and heavier. There’s just no point.

Instead, I’m just going to help the whole rumour process along by presenting to you our very own Rumour Construction Set! All you need to do is pick a rumour and fill in the blanks either with one of our reliable and perfectly credible options, or supply your own. Then, plant the seed and spread the fertilizer. It’s that simple!

Ready? Gossip!

1. The next iPhone will have a/an _________ body.

A) All-plastic
B) All-metal
C) Half plastic, half metal
D) Depleted uranium
E) _______________ (insert your own)

2. The next iPhone will be powered by __________.

A) A larger battery
B) The same sized battery
C) A hydrogen cell
D) The Large Hadron Collider
E) _______________ (insert your own)

3. The next iPhone will ___________.

A) Be GPS-Ready
B) Have built-in GPS
C) Triangulate using cell towers
D) Track your every movement and report it to Homeland Security in real-time
E) _______________ (insert your own)

4. A new business model for the next iPhone will __________.

A) Subsidize the cost of the iPhone up to $200 with a 3-year contract
B) Offer unlimited movie downloads for 3 months with a 3-year contract
C) Offer unlimited HSDPA usage at half the cost for one year with a 3-year contract
D) Make the carriers even richer
E) _______________ (insert your own)

5. Rogers Wireless’ planned pricing model for the iPhone’s debut in Canada will ___________.

A) Offer “unlimited*” 3G usage for $95 per month
B) Have tiers ranging from $20/month for 20MB to $100/month for 5GB
C) Be based on a sliding usage scale, capped at $150
D) Screw you nine ways from Sunday no matter what you do
E) _______________ (insert your own)

6. The next iPhone’s screen will be ___________.

A) Larger
B) The same size
C) Smaller
D) e-Ink
E) _______________ (insert your own)

7. Adobe Flash and Java support ___________.

A) Will be included with the next iPhone
B) Will not be included with the next iPhone
C) Will be included with the next iPhone only if Adobe and Sun can make the full-featured runtimes work flawlessly and at full speed without compromising system performance
D) Will prove once and for all that it can snow in Hell.
E) _______________ (insert your own)

8. The new iPhone will come in capacities of _______________.

A) 8GB and 16GB, as before
B) 16GB and 32GB, with the 8GB being dropped
C) 8GB, 16GB, and 32GB
D) Any size you want, but it will be network storage only provided by the carriers, and will unfortunately necessitate a moderate (but still competitive!) hike in data rates.
E) _______________ (insert your own)

9. The next iPhone housing will be ______________.

A) Thicker and heavier
B) The same
C) Thinner and lighter
D) Developed around a new technology known as Time And Relative Dimension In Space and be shaped kind of like a phone booth.
E) _______________ (insert your own)

10. The next iPhone will be announced _______________.

A) On the last day of the WWDC, June 13th
B) At the end of June
C) In the third week of May
D) Every day from now until the end of June, with one word of the press release being revealed each day. I have received a tip from a totally unimpeachable source that the last word is “milk.”
E) _______________ (insert your own)

There it is, folks. Your very own rumour mill. Now have at it! I want to see so many rumours flying hither and yon that we’ll even have The Steve believing that his R&D department is working on a new iPhone housing made entirely out of yarn.